Friday, October 12, 2012

I-"When The Student is Ready, The Teacher Will Appear" (Part 1 of 6)

A few months ago, I originally joined several groups on facebook searching for more answers. Instead, I found myself acting as the teacher; a guide for anyone who asked for help. Out of nowhere, I received a friend request from Fran. After several months of getting to know Fran and watching her grow both mentally and spiritually, I asked her to write her story for this blog. No specific guidelines to how it's written; I just requested that she let it flow. To tell her truth with her own voice. Because of the length of her story, I will be presenting it in six parts. Here is Part 1:

 
Fran's Story, Part 1 of 6…

Hi everyone, my name is Fran (StarSoulWhisperer), and this is the story of how a book, a teacher and a little bit of laughter changed my life, and helped me to find out who I really am.  Now of course there were loads of events leading up to this point, and a whole load of synchronicity too, but that is for later in the story.  For now, I will start at the beginning:

30 years ago I was born in the United Kingdom into a loving family, with two sisters.  No-one could say I wasn’t loved and cared for by my family, but for some reason I just didn’t seem to fit in to the world.  Throughout these 30 years, I spent a lot of the time feeling alone, afraid, depressed, and confused as to who I was.  I did not understand the world as others seemed to.  So many questions in my head and heart but no-one to answer them for me.  So many fears.  So much sadness for all the suffering in the world and the frustration and pain that I could do nothing about this.

I was bullied throughout my childhood, for how I looked and how I acted, or for seemingly no reason at all.  I had zero self confidence and was scared to speak to people.  I felt emotions so strongly – like a physical pain hitting me and never really relenting.  And the constant messages from other people, affirming in my own mind that I was worthless and useless.

When I was a teenager, I became angry all the time and uncontrollable.  I hated myself and I started to abuse my body and self-destruct.  From about 17 years old I was given antidepressants, and since then up until this year I had been on some form of psychiatric drug or therapy.  I had to spend time in a psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with different illnesses over the years.

But under the surface, there was really one major underlying issue for me always there.  In my heart I wanted to help the world in some way.  I wanted the world to be a better place.  But I didn’t know HOW to do anything.  I didn’t believe that I could make a difference.  After all, ‘how can one person alone change the world’ I would think to myself repeatedly.  Re-affirming my belief that I was useless time and time again.  The lack of my ability to make any kind of difference (in my view at the time), just deepened my state of depression and hopelessness.  When you feel compassion so strongly for everyone and everything from the depths of your soul, it is crushing and painful that you think you can do nothing to help.  So instead I would curl up in a little ball each day and hide away in bed and cry.  But though many times I wanted or tried to give up, somewhere inside me my warrior spirit refused to give up.

So before this year I was filled with negativity and hopelessness.  A few years ago after I completed a new therapy, things started to change a little.  But it was not until finally this year I met a new friend and my teacher, and I began to finally piece together who I was.

On 1st July 2012 I bought an e-book (The Indigo Child's Survival Guide) co-written by a new friend I had found on facebook – this friend is your blogger, Mama Indigo.  At this point I did not even really know if I was an Indigo or not.  I didn’t even know what the word meant.  I purchased the book because it had been advertised on facebook and the video trailer drew me in.

I found Mama Indigo on facebook under her real name about a month before.  When I requested to be her friend I knew nothing about her or who she was.  I had joined a Lightworker group on facebook last year, and one day on reading through the posts I noticed her profile picture at the top of the page.  I don’t know what drew me to her, but without thinking I simply clicked ‘send friend request’.  This is not the sort of thing I would normally do but something seemed to tell me to do so.

When I started seeing Mama’s posts on my news feed I was inspired by the positivity and messages she was sending out.  Almost like a magnet I was drawn to read her posts – I connected with them on some level and felt a great understanding.  Soon after, the notices saying the e-book was out soon appeared and I was intrigued to see what it was about.  Finally the book was launched and I was able to purchase a copy.  There were a couple of hitches my end with my computer not being able to download the digital software to read it on my computer – but I was determined I wanted to read the book, so I figured a way around it.

I sat down to read the book as soon as I could, and I read it in one sitting.  And WOW – it seemed like a million thoughts and emotions surfaced as I read this book that was describing me.  I cried tears of relief and tears of joy as I finally seemed to realise where I fitted in.  I felt myself get excited, my whole body buzzing, as I ticked most of the questions at the beginning to see whether I was an Indigo.

As I read the section on synchronicity, I was in awe of the universe and how events and my life so far had led to that exact moment of reading that book.  I could literally write out a chain of all the major steps that had needed to happen to lead me to this guidebook.  I counted back through my life….my illness and struggles which had led me to therapy……the therapy I had which taught me mindful meditations and to live in the moment….which led on to me finding a Reiki book…..which led to a spiritual book as suggested at the end of the Reiki book…..which led to me finding out about Lightworkers….which led to me joining groups on facebook……and then finding Mama Indigo’s profile……

Whoa, deep breath!  I was amazed by how this synchronicity seemed to work.  I hungrily read through the rest of the book and was then desperate to be part of the Indigo groups.  Mama Indigo joined me in two groups and I was so keen.  I was apprehensive at first to speak my own words, so I just read the posts of others.  I was encouraged to find my own voice though.

My first response to someone’s post didn’t go to plan.  My words were taken not as I intended and I offended someone on my first comment.  The old feelings of being useless and not worthy resurfaced and my automatic thought was to leave the group.  I was horrified that I had hurt someone’s feelings.  But Mama being a wise teacher didn’t go and wave a wand and make things alright and sort the situation out for me.  She encouraged me to use my own voice and to learn from my mistake.  I apologised to this person and realised I needed to be careful what I said.  My enthusiasm and eagerness had allowed me to speak without pausing to reflect first.  So this was my first lesson in the groups I learnt.

Over the next few months I was active in the groups and learnt a lot from others.  I was invited into a closed group to really push forward in my learning.  Part of me was unsure but my instinct said ‘yes, do it’.  This new group really encouraged us all to speak with our own voice.  So learning from and sharing with other Indigo’s was amazing.  I felt like I had finally found a place where I truly belonged.  A place where I wasn’t judged for being different.   A place where we all had similar views.  A place which I felt was my family.  A place where I could learn and evolve.

The groups were invaluable daily support and guidance and inspiration.  But "The Indigo Child's Survival Guide" was still there for me when I was in my daily life.  My time in front of the computer screen in the facebook groups was a safe haven.  But there was still the real world of daily life out there to be lived.

Watch for Part 2 of Fran's Story in the next blog. 
Part 1Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 and Part 6



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